I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
