Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
