your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
