I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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