I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
