I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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