i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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