We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
