I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
