then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
