You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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