This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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