Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
