when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
