The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
