did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
