I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
