Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
