My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
