One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
