turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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