I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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