Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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