five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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