I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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