I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
