Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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