Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
