I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
