I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
