It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
