I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
