cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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