Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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