You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
