I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
