I bet he comes in French.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
