I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
