Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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