I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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