this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
