in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
