she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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