dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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