i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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