Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
