if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize