bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
