I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
