Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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