Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
