I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
