your parents love me but you hate me
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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