i was born a porn star she said
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
