I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
God gave him joint rollers for hands
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
