I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
