I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
