i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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