We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
