you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm at about main and main street
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
