Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
