I should be sponsored by Trojan
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
