I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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