A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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