I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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