found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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