i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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