are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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