My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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