He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
