Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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