im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
