I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
